The Tears You Won’t See Me Shed

We all have them, the tears that we don’t allow others to see.  If people are honest with themselves we all have a chapter of our story that we don’t read out loud.  A chapter that never gets put down on paper.  We seal it away from the world.  Fear, privacy, intimacy, those are just a few of the things that keep that chapter or chapter(s) sealed away from public display.  We all need and have those chapters.

For me, one of those chapters I would believe is not much different than most females out there.  Feelings of self worth.  Questions that you might ask yourself, “Am I enough?”  Struggles with body image.  Let’s get real, everything about me changed with cancer.  I once had shoulder length or longer hair. Gone.  I once weighed 125 pounds without even remotely thinking about dieting.  Gone are those days.  I am on the strictest diet of my life with the clinical study and that scale doesn’t move, twenty to fifteen pounds heavier.

I have S-T-R-U-G-G-L-E-D with this chapter beyond belief.  I am not comfortable in my own skin.  I have sought validation where I think I should.  However, instead of seeking validation from anyone I needed to realize that I am God’s before I am anyone’s.  In Psalms 46:5 God says, “She is enough.”  In the Song of Solomon 2:10 the scripture says, “He calls me beautiful one.”  And in the Song of Songs 4:7, “You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.”  Yet we seek validation from those with us on earth, natural.

I have been turning to scripture more and more to help me wipe those tears that stroll down my cheeks that I keep tucked quietly away.  Sometimes it gives me peace and other times I think I am meant to cry.  Showing emotion is not weakness.  It is OK to not be OK.  This battle does not come easy but like most women I don’t think it will ever come easy.  If you have a loved one, do me a favor and tell them that they are BEAUTIFUL, do not say it any other way.  It may just be the thing they need to hear.  Do not tell them that they are somehow different now (they already know that, trust me) just simply state it.  They NEED to hear that from those that they love, especially those that are closest to them.

Those of us who have battled cancer and even those that are gracefully on the other side do mourn our life prior.  I mourn my long hair.  I mourn my metabolism.  I mourn feeling like I was more than beautiful without anyone’s validation.  I mourn life before I ever heard the word cancer.  There are times when that mourning for my life prior to cancer is strong.  When those around you battle something as life and physically altering as cancer is we need to hear those kind words.  Beautiful, looking good, pretty, attractive, gorgeous, stunning, glamorous, just to name a few.  Might sound shallow to some, it’s not meant to be taken in vain, rather a reminder, a window if you need one.

This is not a pity for myself rather a glimpse into the reality of what I believe most of us struggle with, especially women.  Be kind for we are all battling something.  We all have wounds that we don’t allow others to see.  Tears that you’ll never see others shred.  Chapters that you won’t get to read from others.  That should not change how we pray for others, how we love others, and how we validate others.  We all have something that we need to give over to God.  Be kind.  Be human.  Pray.

“God is not a God of disorder but of peace.”  1 Corintians 14:33A  This verse has given me a lot of peace over the last several months along with, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Phillipians 4:7.  He is trying to give me peace, validation, understanding.  I have to lean into Him to understand.  I have peace he will give and show me what I need here on earth in His own timing.  For I am His before I am anyone else’s.

Normally this is the time I would tell you to raise those glasses.  Tonight however I am going to tell you to go love on those that mean something to you.  Validate someone’s beauty around you.  Tell someone how absolutely remarkably beautiful they are.  Wake up tomorrow and brighten someone’s day by telling them they look nice.  As foolish as it sounds, we all need it.  Be kind.  We all have chapters unread before others, tears never to be shed in front of others, and sorrows that need kindness.

3 thoughts on “The Tears You Won’t See Me Shed”

  1. Thank you for your honest words. I am blessed and I know it to be a breast cancer survivor, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss having breast with feeling or that actually looked even a little like my body prior to cancer. Yes, we struggle and having someone call you beautiful or any other of the pretty words can get us through the day, make it just a bit easier to believe in ourselves. Thank you again!

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